cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
