o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize