I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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