took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
