I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
how do flat chested girls get laid?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize