i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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