Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
