Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
