I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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