Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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