He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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