Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize