so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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