May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
