in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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