if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ladies don't puke and tell
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
