Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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