I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
