And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
