I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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