I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize