The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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