I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
