Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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