Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
