even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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