If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
