Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
