you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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