I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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