I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
