Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
