the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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