I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
