I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
