Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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