its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
