O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
