between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
