i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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