FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
