Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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