fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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