The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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