Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
