Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
