I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
A bitchslap is in order.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
