he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
