That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
