I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
