Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were trust falling into bushes
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
