Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What a dumb baby whore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
