Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
