The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Houston, we have a squirter
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
