Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
