So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
