I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
